The month of January I have dedicated to the word JOY. I believe that once you have God in your life that joy should follow.I mean the first time I came to the Lord there was joy. I was so happy. But something happened or rather life happened and my new found joy faded. I wasn't as happy about being a Christian as before. I felt condemned for not being happy about my salvation.
When I received the Lord at church there was no salvation committee. I mean people were happy that I had given my life to the Lord at 13 years old. They hug me and I was baptized but no one told me what this new life would be and how to live it. I wasn't ready for this life and for the next 20 + years I would prove it. I can't count the number of times I went to the altar asking for forgiveness and being happy for a day or two(if I was really good) only to be either mad, sad or suicidal later that same week. I was a hot mess.
I called this my joy seeking phrase. I was seeking joy but can't hold on to it. I would have it for a moment and then it was gone. And when it was gone I would seek joy in different places (boys, men, kids and suicide attempts). I was like that seed that Jesus taught about in the Bible
In Matthew 13 Jesus teaches about a sower planting seeds. The parable dealings with what happens to the seeds when it falls on the different grounds. I have been all these seeds at some point in my life. In my first part of my salvation, I was the wayside seed (Mat.13:19). I was not receiving the word and so it made it easy for my joy to fade.
The second attempt at salvation came after the death of my son. God blessed me to see my son leave this earth and walk into heaven in a dream. God got my attention when I was at my lows point and I was his again. I was in church just about every day. I would only watch or listen to things about God.I was now chasing joy. I had a great church family and my kids were happy as well. But I was still missing something. After being in total love with God for 5 years I walked away from him and stayed an away for 13 years.
My chasing joy phrase for me was when I know God but didn't trust him. I denied his power in my life. The way I perceive God was a scary man in the sky looking down at me ready to condemn me. I only feared him because I didn't want to go to hell. I don't believe I loved God back then. I was the seed on stony ground or in the thorns (Mat. 13:20-22).
The final and last attempt for God to get me happened 13 years ago. I was lost and God asked one question and when I answered I was totally in the presence of God. I had the joy I had been looking for years. I was and have been in joy ever since. I am constantly with my Father. I love him because he first loved me. I love him for never giving up on me. I love him for being "I AM". He is not some judgemental, revengeful God looking to condemn me or a selfish absentee Father. He is a kind and loving Father that loved me before the earth was created. My seed is now on good ground (Mat.13:23). I'm content with my relationship with the Godhead. I am growing in grace and mercies. Every day is not perfect but the joy helps me. I have joy, what about you?
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